Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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