My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
