i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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