you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
