Barsexuality is the new black.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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