so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
