my vag is so smooth its legendary
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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