in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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