There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
