i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
