I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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