I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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