I met the friendliest cop last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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