I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
