I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
