So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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