I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
