I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
