it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
