Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
