Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
