If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need a beard to bite.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
