i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
