I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
