I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
