Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
