I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
