When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
