i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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