When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So squirting runs in the family.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
