Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
