My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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