I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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