I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
