They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You ate ashes out of my bong
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
