k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
