There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
