I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
