She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
