Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and she was petting her beer can
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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