I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Semen is not good for contacts.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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