I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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