ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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