I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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