i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
