Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
