I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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