i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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