god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think people are normalizing furries
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
