You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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