Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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