I think my fart just growled at me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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