the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
