; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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