were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize