I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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