I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
