There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
