i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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