can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
