i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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