Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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